Making my way back

3 May

The past couple of weeks, I’ve missed writing regularly. There are days I longed to sit and write and pour my heart out. I realize now that, if I had taken the time to write, it would have sounded whiney and bitchy and just plain awful, because that is how I was feeling. I didn’t get enough sleep. I wasn’t eating the way I need to for good health. I wasn’t meditating, and yesterday it all boiled over.

I could choose to blame busyness, but I decided to give up that lie a while ago because everyone is busy and every day is a choice of what to focus upon. I could blame time and say there just aren’t enough hours in the day, but we all have twenty four hours per day. It’s what we choose to do with them that makes a difference. I could blame my family, and that is a mom favorite, isn’t it? No one ever does anything around here. Truth is that I do have to ask and then tell my kids and occasionally my hubby to do things more times than I would like, but that isn’t the main reason for the current state of my life. The blame for my whiney, bitchy, awful situation rests on me. Blech.

If confession is good for the soul, I’m about to do my soul a bunch of good so here we go. Yesterday I realized that school ends in five weeks. I haven’t done half of the things I planned to do before the summer of 2012. I’ve missed my weight goals. I’ve slacked on de-cluttering. I’ve come up short on financial goals and projects I wanted to do around the house. The thought of it brings me down, except the weight thing, which is up but not in a good way. Some days I look at the women I volunteer with and wonder how they do it all. How do they have husbands who travel, immaculate houses, great children, skinny bodies and tons of money to spend? How do they get to have it all? The answer is that they don’t, and I forget that sometimes. I forget that some husbands, who travel, don’t have the close relationship with their families that mine does. I forget that those large immaculate houses often have equally large closets and garages that hide messes I’m not privy to. I forget that some of those skinny bodies aren’t naturally skinny and that doctors can alter things I don’t even know about. I forget that some people who spend much more money than we do also owe much more than we do. Not that it’s always the case, but sometimes it is and it’s easy to take the façade at face value. It’s easy to forget that everyone struggles sometimes.

So today, I’m climbing back up and doing my best to focus on what I have done and what I’ve learned this past school year. I have learned what works in my life and what doesn’t. I’ve learned that taking good care of myself makes it much easier to take good care of my family. I’ve learned that taking some time for myself every day to focus on my spiritual and emotional growth pays huge dividends. I’ve learned that writing is a gift I am supposed to share with the world, and perhaps most importantly, I’ve learned that as flawed and broken as I can feel sometimes, I have a family and a Creator that still love me even when I find it almost impossible to love myself. Those realizations are humbling and uplifting and the personification of Grace in my life.

If anyone out there does have it all together, I’d love to know how you do it and I’m guessing most of the people who read my blog would too. If you don’t have it all together, I welcome you to the flawed and very human club with a virtual hug and an “A” for effort. Thanks for being you and have a great day.

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