Indifferent Death and Grateful Resurrection

8 Oct

Friday was not a good day for me. It was full of emotional turmoil, and it knocked me off balance for the entire weekend. It was not one event. It was three events, two phone calls and an unpleasant encounter that rocked my world. I truly wanted to curl up in bed and ignore the world and lick my wounds, but I couldn’t. I had to go get my son from college, so I plodded on.

Saturday was active and busy and again, I plodded on without resolution or much peace for that matter. Then came Sunday. For the past six weeks or so, I have made Sunday a day of rest and spiritual renewal. I watch some spiritual programming and do the things that refresh my spirit. For the most part, it has made a huge difference in my daily life. Last Sunday, I didn’t get that privilege and maybe that’s why the events of Friday made such an impact, but this Sunday, I immersed myself in spiritual pursuits and here’s what happened. I got the answers I needed. They weren’t necessarily the ones I wanted because, of course, I wanted to be right and have everyone else be wrong so I could be the superior person. Am I the only one with that delusion? Usually, however, when we seek the truth, the answers are not as simple as I’m right and you’re wrong.

For me, the truth of my situation was found in indifference. You see, lately I’ve been doing everything I should and things have been going pretty well, but this weekend, I realized I have been doing things because they are the things I should be doing. There is no passion, no spark, no love. I had become indifferent to my life on every level, so the Divine shook things up for me, big time, and then I heard something that really hit home. I heard someone say that the worst kind of marriage isn’t a bad marriage. The worst kind of marriage is an indifferent marriage, where the passion and love were replaced with resignation, where life had gone stale. That person was talking directly to me, and I realized the emotional shake up was a call for me to wake up, and wake up I did.

Yesterday, that shake up resulted in one of the best conversations I’ve had with my husband in months. It woke both of us up to some things we needed to address, smoothed out our rough spots and got us re-engaged in each other’s lives in a happy, healthy way. Today, as I was writing in my journal, it resulted in my waking up and realizing, yet again, that my life really is pretty spectacular. I have an older son who is doing very well in college, still keeps in touch and makes me want to burst with love and pride because of the thoughtful, insightful man he is becoming. I have a middle son who is maturing in every way but has managed to keep his sweet nature, and in this age of sarcasm for teenagers, that is saying something. I have a younger son who finds a way to make me laugh or smile every day, not by trying, but just by being genuine and authentic and totally himself. I have a husband that loves me, adores me (his words) and is better than I could ever hope he could be at handling my emotional baggage. I have some really supportive family, friends and neighbors. I have a nice home, enough food (even too much sometimes) and cars that work most of the time. I have more than most of the world population, and today I realize once again, how incredibly blessed I truly am. It feels so good to be awake.

To my regular readers, I know it’s been a while since I posted because I’ve been spending a great deal of time learning to take care of myself, something I’ve never been very good at. I’ve missed being here and sharing with you, and today, I’m even grateful for the turmoil that gave me the opportunity to reconnect with my readers. It’s an interesting life we live that sometimes the greatest joy comes from our most difficult moments, and maybe that’s the biggest blessing of all, that the turmoil is the beginning of joy if we can remember to look for it. I know that for me, today will be all about that, looking for joy. I hope you find the joy in your life too. Thanks for being you and have a great day.

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