The Words Have Returned

26 Nov

Today is an amazing day for me because I am once again sitting at this keyboard and the words are flowing. For the past two months or so, that hasn’t happened much. For whatever reason, the words left me, and writing anything for publication escaped me, except on a rare occasion. Today, the veil has lifted, and the words have returned. It feels like coming home and I am so grateful. I have missed writing, and I have missed sharing with you.

So what happened, you might ask. I’m not exactly sure, but I think it has a lot to do with my own feelings of inadequacy. I love sharing, but sometimes I wonder if I go too far. I feel like there is a book I’m supposed to write, but I question whether I have the skill to bring it to life. There are a lot of things I know I’m good at; some I’m pretty sure I’m good at, and some I truly wonder about.

The other thing I think was a factor is the big 5-0. I’m not fifty years old yet, but I will be in about four and a half months, and I’m not where I expected I would be in my life by this time in my life. Better put, I’m not where I’d like to be in my life, sort of. You see, I had this idea in my 20’s and 30’s that I should have a rockin’ career with no financial concerns, an incredible marriage that was the definition of passion, amazing children who never brought home a bad grade or behaved badly and a, pardon the expression, a kick ass body that would be the envy of other women my age. Where did I get this idea? Magazines? Television? Movies? Other delusional people? Any why the heck do I believe it? I don’t know, but with age comes wisdom and here’s what I have learned .

It is almost impossible to have it all, but it’s very possible to have what’s important, and what’s important to each of us is different. For me, having a great marriage is at the top of my list. I read a quote once that said that the best gift you can give your children is to have a great marriage. Being raised in a family where the marriage wasn’t the greatest, I can tell you, at least for me, that it affects me to this day. It is the reason I work to keep my marriage alive and vibrant and I am grateful that even after more than twenty years together, I love my husband more deeply than I did when we got married. It is a gift I cherish every day. Having said that, I know some really great single parents who have raised some incredible kids, but I am a better person for being half of a great team.

Like many parents, and I wish there were more, I think my children are spectacular, most days. I don’t think they’re perfect, nor do I want them to be perfect. No child needs the pressure of perfection, but I do want them to be the best they can be. Each of my children is so very different and being their best means very different things. I think anyone who says they raised multiple children exactly the same way does at least one of them a disservice. No two people are the same and to treat children as such is so unfair, especially to one who might not quite fit the mold. I believe in expectations for kids and my children know what the expectations are. Do they live up to them all the time? Of course not, but I don’t live up to my own expectations all the time, so thank God for forgiveness and moving forward. Without it, we’d all be lost.

As far as my career, it was only recently that I realized that full time motherhood is a career choice instead of a life choice. I feel blessed that I have been able to be a full time mom, especially as that career is headed toward its inevitable end. I don’t judge anyone who chooses or wants to work. As a matter of fact, I know a few moms that are better parents because they work. I am thankful that we live in a country where either choice is available. For me, though, hanging with my kids is one of my favorite pastimes and volunteering and being involved in their activities in their younger days is a joy for me. We’ve made homemade cookies together, taken countless trips to the zoo, local museums and other local attractions. We’ve had a great run and have a few more years of hanging together, and I cherish every family dinner, outing and conversation we have. I am also grateful, though, that I’ve re-discovered my love of writing the past few years and not just for my own enjoyment. Starting this blog has been one of the most rewarding things I’ve done for myself and I am grateful for each of my readers and feel a huge responsibility to bring you the best writing I can deliver. Thank you for being a part of the process.

Then there’s the body. Crap! If there’s one part of my life I’ve neglected, there it is. As a young woman, I smoked. When you smoke, staying thin is so much easier. I quit after my oldest was born because I just couldn’t imagine damaging his little pink lungs. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done and one of the things I’m most proud of that I’ve ever done, but it’s had its consequences too. After my first birth, I was back in shape in three weeks and all was well. I think I replaced my addiction to cigarettes with my baby and exercise. My dad died after son number two and was in the process of dying through the entire pregnancy. I gained 65 pounds and didn’t recover well afterward. Ironically, I gained no weight with my third son until the day he was born by emergency c-section when I gained 12 pounds from all the drugs. The trauma my poor body went through in those three or so years between my second and third child still lingers twelve years later because taking care of others became the focus of my life, especially my child with extraordinary needs. As my children become independent young men, I find that I want to take better care of my body, not by beating it into submission through exercise and restrictive and punishing dieting, but by learning to make my health a loving priority that will help me feel better for a lifetime. It’s a process for sure, but one that is teaching me so much about myself, my life and how I want to be in this world.

I’ve always said I planned to live to be at least 100 years old, so maybe my writer’s block was a way for me to process a mid-life crisis. Maybe this time of falling leaves and falling temperatures is teaching me what I need to let fall from my life as I enter the Autumn season of my parenting. Maybe this writer’s block combined with turning fifty is exactly what I need at this point in my life. One thing I know for sure is that I feel so very blessed that the block is gone and the words are flowing once again. I’m excited to see where it will take me and I look forward to sharing the journey with all who care to come along for the ride. Thanks for being you and have a great day!!

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One Response to “The Words Have Returned”

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  1. The Words Have Returned « karenbemmes - November 26, 2012

    […] The Words Have Returned. […]

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