Finding Faith in a Moment of Chaos

11 Jan

CJ BirthIt’s been said that 85% of people belief in a Divine Creator, but lately it seems like very few have faith in that Creator. We take on so much of the burden of life that we could turn over in faith to that very force. In the Christian faith, we have a line in a prayer that says, “Thy will be done” and refers to the will of God. I realized the power of that line almost 13 years ago on a hospital gurney or trolley, as it’s known outside of North America. I was being rushed from a labor and delivery room to an operating room and the only thing I could do was pray. My child’s heat rate was plummeting and mine was soaring. I was filled with a deep fear I’ve never known before or since. I prayed The Lord’s Prayer:
Our Father, who are in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
The prayer goes on, but I couldn’t. I was in the battle of my life at that point. I’d been in the hospital for eight weeks waiting for this child, being away from my other two, and I just couldn’t believe what was happening. I couldn’t believe I might not have a child to take home. I kept trying to say the prayer, and I couldn’t get past that line. The doctor and nurses were literally running down the hall calling out orders to the staff as we ran by. By the time I reached the operating room, and they hooked me up to the machines, I heard the nurse calling out the heart rate; 60, 55, 50, 45. I started to watch them cut me open, but the sight of my own blood splashing everywhere was too much for me. I still tried to pray and finally just broke down. I surrendered to “Thy will be done” and a few seconds later, my son was born; feet first, which the nurses said was impossible because he’d been head down and engaged that morning. He was completely wrapped in his umbilical cord from head to toe and looked like a ball of thick twine. Unbelievably, the cord was not around his neck, but he didn’t make a sound. He was blue and he was silent. He wasn’t breathing, and neither was I. I waited for what seemed like an eternity before I heard anything, and when I did, it wasn’t the healthy cry I’d heard twice before. It was pitiful. It reminded me of the sound a very small lamb makes, and I was relieved and flooded with love for a child I still hadn’t seen. All of this happened in less than five minutes because they wheeled me out of labor and delivery at 4:16, my son was born at 4:19, and my husband was in the room by 4:21 when it was all over.

I know so much of this sound very dramatic, and that’s because it was. A child’s life was at stake, but so was my faith. For my son, his life of exceptional needs was just beginning. He had no choice but to surrender to his situation. I had many more choices. Some of them offended the nurses in ICU because they didn’t understand my son’s situation or mine. I was even told during my exit interview that some of the nurses said I wasn’t easy to please, and that hurt at the time. I realize now, that I was the only voice my son had at the time. To me, he was much more than a patient in a bed. To me, he was a symbol or renewed faith and love, and I would do anything to protect him.
Some days, just being a parent tests my love and faith. Some days, I feel I’m at my wits’ end. Then I remember that day. I remember that moment of fear, and I remember surrendering to faith that the right path would unfold, and it has. It’s not all ease and grace, but that isn’t the job of life. The job of life is to roll on, and it’s up to us how we choose to proceed. Some will continue to proceed in fear, whether it’s creating it, feeling it or making it bigger by passing it on. Some will choose faith and with it, love, and in my book, they will make a much better world for themselves and others. I choose faith and love as much as possible, and I hope you will too. Thanks for being you and have a great day.

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