Did I Mention I was Tired?

13 Jan

Today was going to be my day to stay at home and get things done. I have no commitments outside the house, and I have been waiting for a day like this for weeks. Everyone is back to school or work, although it’s exam week for my younger two. The National Championship for college football is over for this year, and my favorite team is the winner, although I was up much later than I am used to. March madness is nearly two months away. It’s time to hunker down and make some serious progress in several areas of my life. So many are dropping off of their New Year’s resolutions, and I feel like I’m just getting to mine, but today was the day; only it wasn’t.

It wasn’t the day I cleaned the house top to bottom, walked 10 miles and organized our finances. It wasn’t the day I de-cluttered the basement, listed everything on Craigslist or Ebay and cooked dinners for ourselves and all of our sick friends. It wasn’t even the day I got all my routines done. Instead, it was the morning that my son sent a text asking if I could bring a notebook and binder to school so that he didn’t fail those grades. It was the day I had to schlep myself out and be the good mom. It was the day to show for my son, again. At first, I was not doing the supermom thing with a supermom attitude. I was ticked because my plan was ruined. I was even more ticked because the more I looked the more clutter I found that probably belonged in a notebook or two or three; notebooks we had already spent hours trying to organize. I felt the martyr rise up in me as once again I was being called up to save the day, and I was doing it because that’s what I do, but I wasn’t being who I wanted to be. I was just being tired and maybe cranky.

I want to be the mom my kids can count on to help them out in a pinch; not enabling them to be dependent, but helping them to be successful. I want to be kind and loving and supportive while teaching my children to do the same. This morning I was being judgmental and angry and acting like a martyr, not toward anyone, but in my head. It was an epic rant about how no one appreciates me or values my time. I was self-righteous and indignant, plus I’m tired and it’s cold and I’m tired. I was up watching the game until after midnight. Did I mention I’m tired? I don’t like feeling this way. I much prefer to be a face people love rather than dread to see coming or a name they smile instead of roll their eyes when they see it on their phone. I knew in that state I was a blessing to no one, even myself. I needed something to change, and it did.

I sat down to write a blog post because it always helps me to sort out my problems and my attitude. I started writing and by the time I was 500 words in, I could feel myself starting to relax, but relaxing brought its own set of issues. Thank goodness I was sitting on the sofa while I was typing because I fell asleep at the keyboard, twice. Did I mention I was tired? After the second time, I started worrying about dropping my laptop so I set it down and allowed my head to rest back on the sofa cushion. Forty five minutes later one of my boys came bounding down the stairs and woke me up. He was ready to do a task I had asked him to help me with, and I was ready to face the day with a different attitude.

I am ready to look at my blessings again instead of my challenges. I am ready to be aware that I have enough to eat, a roof over my head and a family that loves me. Why does it sometimes feel like an ongoing battle to remember these things? I am grateful that, although it may be cold outside, the sun is shining and that is a rare thing during the winter in my part of the world. I am grateful also that I already have dinner planned and only need to heat it to feed my family. I watched a video today of a refugee camp in Syria of a young man who only wants a few things. He wants to eat. He wants a safe place to sleep, and he wants to see his dad. Who am I to complain about life when I look at someone in that situation? Yes, I have challenges, and I lose patience with them now and then, but I am aware that I am spoiled. Isn’t it amazing that we have a billion dollar industry in this country dedicated to losing weight when people around the world and in our own country are starving? A friend of mine who plays an online video game with older adults around the world told me something. In her group, there is a man from India who is well off. He said that every night, they give their left over food to the poor. I think that is a wonderful thing to do. We have restaurants here that waste tons of food every day, not because they don’t want to help, but they’re terrified someone will get sick and sue them. We allow people to starve because our legal system is such that if someone did sue them, the restaurant would probably lose, and that is a shame. It makes us fearful of helping our fellow human beings rather than open to it. Why risk losing your business over a few meals? It’s sad, really, but I digress, as usual.

Now, I’ve had a nap. My dinner is ready to cook. I still need a shower because I had the privilege of working out today, and my youngest son and I are about to donate some items that no longer serve our home. Even the idea that we have so much that we can give much of it away without ever feeling its loss is astounding to me. This is what many call an “aha” moment. I am changed. I am more aware, and because of that, I am a better person, not better than anyone else, just better. It’s what I hope to be every day, just better. Today it came from the luxury of a nap when I was tired and cranky and from the plea of a young man halfway around the world for food. The opportunities for gratitude are everywhere. The agents of change are everywhere. All we need to do is look and see. Today I see, and I am so appreciative of the view. It may not be the view I dream of, but it is a fine view in the grand scheme of things. I am so blessed. So, I challenge you if you’re feeling out of balance to find something to be grateful for. Look for the blessing in your situation. If you’re sick, be grateful for the ability to rest or to have someone take care of you. Be grateful that you have a home to rest and be taken care of in. Be grateful for running water, indoor plumbing or maybe even windows in your home that keep out the weather and allow you to look on the abundance in the world. Find something, anything, to be grateful for and allow yourself to be just a little bit better too. Thanks for being you and have a great day.

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One Response to “Did I Mention I was Tired?”

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  1. Did I Mention I was Tired? | karenbemmes aka Better Living Daily - January 13, 2015

    […] Did I Mention I was Tired?. […]

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